“Surely nobody would actually
wear that in real life?” my friend grimaced, looking over my shoulder as I
flicked through Maison Margiela’s Fall Couture 2016 runway looks on my iPhone,
“It looks like a fucking straight jacket”. I pass my phone around the group for
everyone to have a look. “She looks like that thing from The Jungle Book. You
know, ‘I wanna be like you-ooh-ooh’?
The massive orangutan!”. I want to disagree but I can’t; they’re right – surely
nobody would actually wear that.
Fashion designers are, by their very nature, innovative, experimental
and out-of-the-box. However, this often means that, when their brainchild hits
the catwalk, you and me are left confused, and seemingly thinking about King
Louie. What is the point of clothes if you can’t actually wear them? Being
fashionable is great, but how well does runway fashion really work for everyday
life? I mean, Rick Owens sent models down the catwalk strapped upside down on
other models’ backs. That just isn’t going to work on the tube – you can’t even
carry a handbag without having it knocked off your shoulder every time someone
rushes down the left side of the escalator trying to make up the minutes that
they wasted queuing for their Skinny Soy Vanilla Latte at Starbucks.
Autumn is just round the corner which means that colder temperatures are
looming, dark nights are coming, and, soon enough, you will be retiring your
Levi’s cut-off shorts for another year. I for one will be welcoming the new
season with open arms. I love summer, don’t get me wrong, but SPF50 is probably
the only thing that I’m happy putting on my body, and I am 100% sure that
staying cool and looking fashionable are mutually exclusive achievements. Vogue
recently published ‘7 Autumn Style Tricks To Try Now’ so I decided to review
which, if any, of these tricks will be plausible come Autumn.
11. Rework your
summer striped shirt
What they say – “Take an offbeat
approach to evening dress-up – Dries Van Noten’s gold two-piece suit paired
with a scholarly striped oxford shirt is fabulously unexpected.”
What I say – Don’t let the use of ‘offbeat’
or ‘fabulously unexpected’ tarnish
your vision here! Yes, a gold two-piece suit may be a little out there but it
definitely hasn’t reached the realms of the ridiculous. Try it on a night out, and
if you feel daft then you just can just get drunk and laugh about it.
Verdict – Why not, ey?
22. Try a polo neck
under a dress
What they say – “Extend the life
of a romantic summer dress by layering a cashmere polo neck underneath for the
long winter ahead.”
What I say – Simply hearing the words ‘layering’ and ‘polo neck’ puts a
smile on my face. There is something about a polo neck that makes you look and
feel 100x cooler as soon as you throw one on. Real Parisian vibes. I tend to
stay away from dresses as its harder to make it look like a different outfit
with each wear, however this is a great way of changing it up and reducing your
cost-per-wear. Who doesn’t love that?
Verdict – Definitely.
33. How to wear your
bag now
What they say – “Three’s a trend:
when a shoulder bag is worn tightly across the body and tucked snug above the
elbow on the Proenza Schouler, Valentino and Prada catwalks – well, this is
your new season styling trick sorted.”
What I say – Handbags are irritating enough as it is without having to
try and squeeze your way out of them in the queue at Pret a Manger. The only
time I’m tucking mine away is if I’m in a dodgy area of East London.
Verdict – Definitely not.
4. Do bare legs for
Autumn
What they say – “Invest in a
heritage tweed two-piece skirt suit – and kick out your bronzed summer holiday
pins until the cold nights draw in.”
What I say – Vogue is working under the assumption here that I have ‘bronzed summer pins’, which I certainly do
not, nor will I be investing in anything tweed because I am not a farmer or a
geography teacher. I’m not ruling out bare legs though.
Verdict – 50% yes, 50% no.
5 5. Herald the
return of chinos
What they say – “Lemaire was awash
with Nineties preppy minimalism. They key piece? Stone-coloured chinos. Wear
with block heels and a belt high on the waist – less dad, more distinguished.”
What I say – Chinos are still very Henley Regatta in my mind and it
would take a bloody good pair to shake that stigma, however, if pin-badges can
make a comeback then whose to say that chinos can’t too?
Verdict – Yah darling.
6 6. Give ski pants a
go
What they say – “Switch out your
track pants for the new sporting contender: Eighties ski trousers, as seen at
Balenciaga, Marni and Versace. Keep the stirrups in place with patent,
pointed-toe court shoes.”
What I say – Someone has got to put a stop to “Athleisurewear” right
now. Ski trousers should be worn with skis and not with pointed-toe court
shoes. What is wrong with jeans??????
Verdict – Are you joking?
7 7. Belt up
What they say – “Take your cue
from Prada: cinch a lace-up corset-belt-plus-leather-belt combo over all your
summer dresses for instant autumn style points.”
What I say – This genuinely looks great on the model however I seldom
make it to midday without taking off my waist belt so investing in lace-up
corset belt is probably not worthwhile.
Verdict – Not ridiculous but not happening.
